They are Good

As a New Year begins, I find myself feeling desperate for a little time out. It's not that I want to get away from anyone in particular, it's not that I want to miss a single beautiful moment with my family, it's that I just. need. time. to. get. my. thoughts. straight.

Even as I write this I am realizing that it's my lack of energy at the end of the night that is giving me the pain I am experiencing during the day.

Explanation: During the day I am working. When I am not working, but spending time with my girls, my mind will jump to the thing that I have to do, the thing I don't want to forget. The thing that I need to accomplish. And then I feel bad and I bring my thoughts back to their beautiful faces and their sweet innocence, but then I can't stop thinking about it. As I try to push it out of my mind, write it down, make a mental note, I find myself experiencing anxiety. My chest tightens. I grow impatient. I become short with people, I breathe heavy. I have to just go handle the thing I need to handle and then I will be ok.

And then...the guilt sets in. Was it that important? Why couldn't it wait? These things are usually a deadline for a proposal due "End of day Friday" and NY is already at 6pm...other times they are something I remembered we needed to add to our Amazon list (Fresh list, Wish List, Shopping List), sometimes it's an organizational thing...but always...it's nothing that exciting. It's just something that has pulled me out of the moment.

I spend my days balancing work deliverables, personal tasks, nursing, playing with Isla, keeping everyone on schedule, keeping our sitter busy when the baby is napping and the toddler wants to be alone, answering work questions, updating accounting...and fantasizing about getting into the zone. I spend the entire day telling myself that I am going to do A, B, and C as soon as they go to bed and then the moment they are out, I am done. Totally pooped, exhausted. And a little depressed, to tell the truth. I review the day, mostly focusing on my failures. Isla didn't do enough learning games, I didn't hold Shiloh as much as I wanted to, I got upset about something related to work or money and let it affect my day...I'm still in the same sweats I was wearing two days ago...and now it's finally time to get into my own zone....time to sort thru family photos, do a little writing, start that blog, make a savings plan, manifest some dreams...and all I want to do is eat and lie on the couch with a good non-violent movie. And I realize another day has passed and my window of accomplishment is gone. And I must surrender.

And then...in the very back of my mind, or sometimes out of my husband's mouth, comes a gentle reminder that today was full of huge accomplishments. Two happy, healthy, LOVE LOVE LOVED little girls are sleeping peacefully because they are well fed and warm. They have a roof over their head, and a village of people who love and care for them, most importantly, their mommy and daddy. And though I can't measure that in my bank account, or on my resume, my heart is full and my spirit is right and I know...I truly know that NOTHING else matters. Because if these comforts were gone...if we didn't have each other...I know.

And I still want career success and a creative outlet. And I still want more savings. And I'd still like to buy shiny things for no other reason than that it's fun. But I will work on the savings every day, and I will work towards success and creativity, sharing my voice...and try to recognize what I've already accomplished. And I'll look at shiny things and enjoy them for what they are. And this year I will OVERCOME. Overcome Resistance, Overcome Fear, Overcome Doubt, Overcome Worry and Dread. I will live in Gratitude, Strength, Hopeful Knowing. I will Connect to the Source. And go forward with LOVE. I will save more and sacrifice more. And it will not cause me any less happiness. Because I have what I need. And they are good.